General Jackassery

It’s kind of funny, not having much to do at work and the fact that no-one has been here to talk to for the last couple of days has left me with nothing to do but surf the net. I’ve spent a lot of time looking at archived posts of my own and those of friends and other people in general. It’s neat to watch things progress in their blogs, see what there thoughts were before something happened and they had no idea it was about to happen. So people just clam up. They go from being everyday posters that write long posts, to just a few lines here and there. Then others like me seem to pour more into their journals the tougher times get, the more serious the journal becomes. What struck the most during my trip down memory lane is how big headed I have been. I thought I knew everything there was to know and I made a huge mistake in thinking that I was a bigger part of some people’s lives than I actually was. It’s really a sad revelation to finally understand that you’re no where near as important to people as you thought you were. Yeah, you may be fun to hang around with and people may enjoy your company, but they don’t really miss you when you’re not there. They just go on with there lives. Maybe they do and I just can’t see it, but I really do miss my friends. The older you get and the further you get away from college the more you need that interaction. Sometimes it’s nice to just go home after a long day at work, plop down in front of the TV and chill out, but most of the time it’s nice to have your best friend there to talk to. Anyway, looking back I kept thinking to myself, “what was I thinking.” This is one year and a half that I wouldn’t mind having a second crack at. Too bad that’s not going to happen.

Well, today was pretty relaxing, it was nice to just chill out. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I sat around the house all day. I drove to Nashville to catch a Predators game and it turned out that it was basically sold out. That is to say that I wasn’t willing to pay $59 for a ticket so Me and Anthony and crew wandered around downtown for a while until we settled on a place to have lunch. My one Diet Mt. Dew for the day had worn off and I was starving by 2:30 when we finally decided to settle in for lunch.

Caution: Random Thoughts ahead!

On the way back home I started thinking about expectations. Everyone has expectations of other people and sometimes we have more expectations of certain people than we do of others. I started thinking about what my expectations were in terms of my friends and loved ones. I won’t go into details about all the thoughts that went through my head, but what it boiled down to is honesty. I’ve never been one to keep secrets or try to shield the truth from anyone and I guess that’s the only expectation I have of people. Call me nosey. Seems like honesty eliminates assumptions. Anyway, like I said, random thoughts.

Todder, Out!

I actually started writing this the other day when I was feeling a little be introspective I couldn’t really find the words to say what I wanted to say. Perhaps today I’ll find those words and perhaps I won’t but I’m going to write anyway. I was thinking about what Christmas meant to me when I was a kid. I’ve always loved the holiday but the reason for it’s importance seems to change from year to year. When I was a kid the most important thing about Christmas was, “Is Santa Claus going to bring me that remote control car or that transformer toy that I want?” As I got a little bit older and my perspective on Santa Claus changed I began to realize that the holiday was more about spend time with my family and really enjoying their presensce and not their presents. I guess I haven’t really settled on my position in life and where my life is going to go from here. There are things that I want and they aren’t physical objects. I really love the fact that my Mom and my sister and brother-in-law are so close that I can go visit them every weekend if that was my desire, but their proximity has reinforced the fact that I’ve really grown up and I would like to have a family of my own someday. I love my niece and nephew so much I can’t even explain it and I’m finally to the point where I look at them and I don’t tell myself that I’m glad I’m not a father. I guess you could say that my biological clock is ticking. The truth of the matter is that I may never had children of my own, you just never know where life is going to take you but thoughts of having my own family and my own kids have been prevelant this Christmas. Christmas just isn’t as fun without little kids around. The glow in their eyes when they get something they like or have always wanted is just priceless. There’s nothing to replace that excitement. So while this has been one of the most meaningful Christmases I’ve ever had it’s more like the Christmas that wasn’t. In my heart I just haven’t been able to get into it. Something did happen on Christmas day though. Something that hasn’t happened in years! I was tracked down by Insanity Claus! It was really a scary experience, but I don’t think INsaNitY Claus will ever know how much their visit meant to me!

Anyway, I know this post will make it sound like I’m depressed. I’m not depressed, I’m very happy actually, I just don’t really feel like it is or was Christmas. It’s a wierd feeling actually. But I guess this has been an interesting Christmas for everyone.

I am no poet, nor am I a writer, but I do appreciate the ones who are.

This is from an email that someone sent to our whole office. Maybe what our boys are doing over in Iraq is right and maybe it’s wrong, but I think it’s important that we remember they all volunteered to defend our country and to defend us. So when you see them remember that though you may not believe in War, your fight is not with them, it’s with the politicians that sent them there. They are just trying to do what’s right.

(more…)

I rode my bike today for the second day in a row, something I haven’t done in almost three weeks. It cleared my mind and allowed me to think about some things that I haven’t really thought about in a while.

(more…)

It’s my fault! I’m the one that did it! So it’s only fair that I carry the load that’s caused by what I did! It’s no one else’s burden but my own!

I’ve bent over backwards to make everyone’s life but my own easier and I still failed, I should have just kept my mouth shut.

(more…)

No it’s not because I’ve been thinking, though I’ve done enough of that for a lifetime. Mo, Dennis and Jackie were over tonight and we had a bon-fire in my back yard. It’s really nice to sit by a fire and just watch it. It was an interesting night, can’t say that it was all fun, just interesting. It snowed a little out here, nothing substantial, just tiny little flakes.

I’ve come to the conclusion that life would be much easier if I could just sleep for VERY long periods of time. Here’s hoping that I 1) am able to fall asleep tonight and 2) can sleep until about 1:00 p.m. tomorrow.

And that is all.

Can you tell that I’m bored as hell right now. Huge change from a week and a half ago. Anyway, I was reading through the yahoo news stuff and saw where three senators have pushed a bill to make a constitutional amendment that defines marriage as being between a man and a woman. article Aparently there was another bill like this presented in the house back in may. Seems to me that this is taking it too far. A constitutional amendment that would limit the rights of american citizens? Last time I checked, one of the underlying principles of this country was, “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.” Now, I’m not gay, I don’t have any gay friends to my knowledge and I think the whole concept of a man being with another man or a woman with another woman is pretty gross. However, I’ve always said that you can’t help who you fall in love with, no matter what you do. You simply are who you are, if that means you’re gay, then you’re gay. It’s not my place or anyone elses place to judge people for what they do or how they live their lives, barring they commit some crime against humanity or break an established law. I think laws were originally design to keep order and peace among society, not to limit people. People can argue reason for marriage and how sacred it is, but the bottom line is that everyone has their own reason. I’ll get married because I deeply love someone and want to spend the rest of my life with that person, because I can’t imagine doing things without them, because I want them to be a part of everything that I do and everything that I am. Because I want to start a family with that one person and grow old with that person, watching our children grow-up and looking forward to grandchildren. Those are just some of the reason I have for wanting to be married at some point but I’m sure that you (who ever reads this) has other reasons and those are for you to have, not for the government to tell you. Seems like liberal commentary coming from a fairly conservative person, but I guess deep down a try conservative wants as little influence from the government as possible and I don’t think it’s the government’s right to ban ANY kind of marriage between two human beings. It’s GOD’s right to judge, not ours.

P.S. Thanks Gee-off, I’m still dumb but atleast now I can link!

Here’s a bit of perspective to get you thinking about why we love the holidays and what they mean to us. I have to admit that I don’t out right celebrate Christmas like I should. What I mean is I don’t really think of Christmas as Jesus’ Birthday. That said I do think that I celebrate it the way God would want me to. Christmas to me is a time for family and friends, it’s a time for the whole world to be NICE to each other and to treat each other with respect, it’s a time for people to think about the needs, wants and desires of the people around them instead of focusing solely on themselves. It’s really nice because there’s the one month out of the year that many of us act like we should act for an entire year. We’re nice to each other, we’re nice to our families, we’re caring, generous, thoughtful. It’s unfortunate that as soon as Christmas is over we all seem to go back to living our lives the way we normally would, with “ME” being the center of my attention. Don’t get me wrong, you have to think about yourself from time to time, but I think it wouldn’t hurt most of us to think about the rest of us from time to time.

Here’s an email that someone sent me that was what sparked this post.

“Who started Christmas?

There was a woman who was out Christmas shopping with her two children.

After many hours of looking at row after row of toys and everything else
imaginable, and after hours of hearing both her children asking for
everything they saw on those many shelves, she finally made it to the
elevator with her two kids.
Finally the elevator doors opened and there was already a crowd in the
car. She pushed her way into the car and dragged her two kids in with
her and all the bags of stuff. When the doors closed she couldn’t take
it anymore and stated, “Whoever started this whole Christmas thing
should be found, strung up and shot!”
From the back of the car everyone heard a quiet calm voice respond,
“Don’t worry we already crucified Him.”
For the rest of the trip down, the elevator was so quiet you could have
heard a pin drop. ”

Everyone spends too much time thinking about the commercialism of the holiday and not the real meaning. In reality we should celebrate Christmas all year long. I think the world would be a better place for it.

That is all!

Todder

That’s kind of how I feel today. Like I’m on one knee and don’t quite have the strength to stand on my two feet.

It’s funny how life is! If you count the number of good things that happen in any given day I feel pretty certain that they would out number all the bad things that go on. However, the bad things are all we seem to be able to remember. It’s kind of the same with wants and needs. Once you finally have something that you wanted or needed there’s always something else that you want or need and people just never seem to be able to make themselves happy with what they have. I guess it’s the thrill of the chase.

My Dad used to always say that when things get bad, he just looks to the sky and say’s “Thanks God! I have no complaints!”

Okay, take all of that stuff an wrap into a tortilla and you have the burrito that’s been stuck in my head all morning. The question of “why can’t you just be happy with what you have?” is continually going through my head. If I count the number of things that have gone right for me or been good for me this morning and I count the things that have gone wrong, they are clearly in the favor of the good. So why is it that I’m done?

I don’t need anything! I have everything I ever wanted and I have somethings that I wasn’t sure I’d ever have.

I’d love to be able to say that I’m going to stop wanting and just be happy with what I have, but I can’t say that! Not wanting makes you complacent. You get stuck in ruts that way.

I’ll never forget, getting on my bike a couple of weeks ago in the pouring rain. I had forgotten to turn the crockpot on and I was planning on having dinner cooked when I got home, so my only option was to go back to the house and turn the crockpot on, but I didn’t want to drive. If I drove to the house I would waste my chance at getting my ride in that day. So I road my bike the 14 miles to the house and the 14 miles back to work, in the rain. As I was riding that day I passed three little signs on the side of the road. I have no idea what their intent was or why they were there, but they said Do……….You………Desire?

The answer to that question is a resounding “Yes” there are SO many things that I desire and I’m not going to stop until I get what I want out of life for me!

I AM going to do my best to stop dwelling on things that don’t go my way, but I’m NOT going to stop wanting.

Okay, back to the real world where work awaits

Todder