Incase you didn’t know it. I love you guys (the ones I know anyway)! 
One day a teacher asked her students to list the names of the other students in the room on two sheets of paper, leaving a space between each name.
Then she told them to think of the nicest thing they could say about each of their classmates and write it down.
“In the lonely light of morning, in the wound that would not heal is the bitter taste of losing everything I held so dear.” “Sleep has left me alone to carry the weight of unraveling where we went wrong.” “Cast me gently into morning for the night has been unkind.” These are lyrics that have resonated with me since I bought the CD. This has been a year of wonder for sure. I wonder if I’d known what I know now if I would have gone through what I went through? I wonder did this all have to happen to force me to make the changes that I’ve made? I lost a lot of sleep these last 5 months or so. Jackie and I were talking the other day and he said that he thought he could loose 30lbs in three months. I told him that I thought that was a little ambitious because it’s really hard to lose 10 lbs a month. He said, “you did it.” I told him, “Jackie, it’s not safe to do what I did. I was literally trying to kill myself. I wasn’t eating, I wasn’t sleeping, and I was killing myself on the bike. It’s not normal for a person to drop as much weight as I did as quickly as I did it.” It takes the fuel of rage, sadness, the thought that you are going to loose everything you ever wanted, the only thing you wanted. It takes the feeling of total helplessness (is that a word?) I was as low as I’ve ever been, I’ve never REALLY thought about killing myself directly, but there were times that I almost wished I would get hit by a car when I was on my bike or have some sort of accident that would just end it all. It seemed at the time that was the easiest solution for everything. If I was out of the picture it would make decisions easier for some people and it would just make others happier because they wouldn’t have the competition anymore. Who would miss me? THAT is how low I was! I could NEVER take my own life, but I could wish that something would happen that would. Looking back I realize how selfish that pattern of thought really is. When it was going through my head I thought that it would be best for everyone else, I thought that it would make her life easier and I’ll I’ve really ever wanted was for her to be happy. But I realize that I was only thinking about me. The EASY way is to end it. The hard way is to fight for everything that you want, to persevere through the hard times in your life and to never give up hope. If things are meant to be then they will happen, if they’re not meant to be then something else will come along. I’m not an overly religious person, but I do truly believe that there is a God and that there is a plan. It’s funny because I went to Church on Sunday with Mo and the pastor said something that struck a chord with me. He said that David was anointed King when he was a teenager, but he was never crowned as the actual King until he was about 30. He said, “I am always in a hurry, but God is not.” “Have you ever thought about the enormous amount of free time that God has?” I’m always in a hurry to get what I want, to get what I think I need, but God has a plan and he’ll execute that plan in his own time. Sometimes it’s really difficult to let things go. I tried and tried to make things happen, but they happened in their own time. Would they have actually happened had I not pushed as hard? Maybe. Maybe not. I’ll never know because I can’t go back and test the theory. The point is that I don’t feel anymore secure in where I stand today than I did 3 months ago, but I’ll never allow myself to go as low as I went again. I’ll never stop working for what I want and once I get what I want I’ll never stop working to keep it, to keep improving it. I was asked the other day what my New Years resolutions were and I honestly hadn’t made any until that moment. Now I’ve made a resolution. My resolution is to love a little more everyday for the rest of my life. No matter what happens to wish for one’s life to end is not the answer because life is filled with mountains and valleys today I might be in the valley, but tomorrow I might be at the summit of Everest admiring the beauty that is this life and the gifts that we’re given everyday just because we get to live and see the sun rise one more time.
It’s kind of funny, not having much to do at work and the fact that no-one has been here to talk to for the last couple of days has left me with nothing to do but surf the net. I’ve spent a lot of time looking at archived posts of my own and those of friends and other people in general. It’s neat to watch things progress in their blogs, see what there thoughts were before something happened and they had no idea it was about to happen. So people just clam up. They go from being everyday posters that write long posts, to just a few lines here and there. Then others like me seem to pour more into their journals the tougher times get, the more serious the journal becomes. What struck the most during my trip down memory lane is how big headed I have been. I thought I knew everything there was to know and I made a huge mistake in thinking that I was a bigger part of some people’s lives than I actually was. It’s really a sad revelation to finally understand that you’re no where near as important to people as you thought you were. Yeah, you may be fun to hang around with and people may enjoy your company, but they don’t really miss you when you’re not there. They just go on with there lives. Maybe they do and I just can’t see it, but I really do miss my friends. The older you get and the further you get away from college the more you need that interaction. Sometimes it’s nice to just go home after a long day at work, plop down in front of the TV and chill out, but most of the time it’s nice to have your best friend there to talk to. Anyway, looking back I kept thinking to myself, “what was I thinking.” This is one year and a half that I wouldn’t mind having a second crack at. Too bad that’s not going to happen.
Well, today was pretty relaxing, it was nice to just chill out. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I sat around the house all day. I drove to Nashville to catch a Predators game and it turned out that it was basically sold out. That is to say that I wasn’t willing to pay $59 for a ticket so Me and Anthony and crew wandered around downtown for a while until we settled on a place to have lunch. My one Diet Mt. Dew for the day had worn off and I was starving by 2:30 when we finally decided to settle in for lunch.
Caution: Random Thoughts ahead!
On the way back home I started thinking about expectations. Everyone has expectations of other people and sometimes we have more expectations of certain people than we do of others. I started thinking about what my expectations were in terms of my friends and loved ones. I won’t go into details about all the thoughts that went through my head, but what it boiled down to is honesty. I’ve never been one to keep secrets or try to shield the truth from anyone and I guess that’s the only expectation I have of people. Call me nosey. Seems like honesty eliminates assumptions. Anyway, like I said, random thoughts.
Todder, Out!
I actually started writing this the other day when I was feeling a little be introspective I couldn’t really find the words to say what I wanted to say. Perhaps today I’ll find those words and perhaps I won’t but I’m going to write anyway. I was thinking about what Christmas meant to me when I was a kid. I’ve always loved the holiday but the reason for it’s importance seems to change from year to year. When I was a kid the most important thing about Christmas was, “Is Santa Claus going to bring me that remote control car or that transformer toy that I want?” As I got a little bit older and my perspective on Santa Claus changed I began to realize that the holiday was more about spend time with my family and really enjoying their presensce and not their presents. I guess I haven’t really settled on my position in life and where my life is going to go from here. There are things that I want and they aren’t physical objects. I really love the fact that my Mom and my sister and brother-in-law are so close that I can go visit them every weekend if that was my desire, but their proximity has reinforced the fact that I’ve really grown up and I would like to have a family of my own someday. I love my niece and nephew so much I can’t even explain it and I’m finally to the point where I look at them and I don’t tell myself that I’m glad I’m not a father. I guess you could say that my biological clock is ticking. The truth of the matter is that I may never had children of my own, you just never know where life is going to take you but thoughts of having my own family and my own kids have been prevelant this Christmas. Christmas just isn’t as fun without little kids around. The glow in their eyes when they get something they like or have always wanted is just priceless. There’s nothing to replace that excitement. So while this has been one of the most meaningful Christmases I’ve ever had it’s more like the Christmas that wasn’t. In my heart I just haven’t been able to get into it. Something did happen on Christmas day though. Something that hasn’t happened in years! I was tracked down by Insanity Claus! It was really a scary experience, but I don’t think INsaNitY Claus will ever know how much their visit meant to me!
Anyway, I know this post will make it sound like I’m depressed. I’m not depressed, I’m very happy actually, I just don’t really feel like it is or was Christmas. It’s a wierd feeling actually. But I guess this has been an interesting Christmas for everyone. 
I am no poet, nor am I a writer, but I do appreciate the ones who are.
This is from an email that someone sent to our whole office. Maybe what our boys are doing over in Iraq is right and maybe it’s wrong, but I think it’s important that we remember they all volunteered to defend our country and to defend us. So when you see them remember that though you may not believe in War, your fight is not with them, it’s with the politicians that sent them there. They are just trying to do what’s right.
I rode my bike today for the second day in a row, something I haven’t done in almost three weeks. It cleared my mind and allowed me to think about some things that I haven’t really thought about in a while.
It’s my fault! I’m the one that did it! So it’s only fair that I carry the load that’s caused by what I did! It’s no one else’s burden but my own!
I’ve bent over backwards to make everyone’s life but my own easier and I still failed, I should have just kept my mouth shut.
No it’s not because I’ve been thinking, though I’ve done enough of that for a lifetime. Mo, Dennis and Jackie were over tonight and we had a bon-fire in my back yard. It’s really nice to sit by a fire and just watch it. It was an interesting night, can’t say that it was all fun, just interesting. It snowed a little out here, nothing substantial, just tiny little flakes.
I’ve come to the conclusion that life would be much easier if I could just sleep for VERY long periods of time. Here’s hoping that I 1) am able to fall asleep tonight and 2) can sleep until about 1:00 p.m. tomorrow.
And that is all.
Can you tell that I’m bored as hell right now. Huge change from a week and a half ago. Anyway, I was reading through the yahoo news stuff and saw where three senators have pushed a bill to make a constitutional amendment that defines marriage as being between a man and a woman. article Aparently there was another bill like this presented in the house back in may. Seems to me that this is taking it too far. A constitutional amendment that would limit the rights of american citizens? Last time I checked, one of the underlying principles of this country was, “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.” Now, I’m not gay, I don’t have any gay friends to my knowledge and I think the whole concept of a man being with another man or a woman with another woman is pretty gross. However, I’ve always said that you can’t help who you fall in love with, no matter what you do. You simply are who you are, if that means you’re gay, then you’re gay. It’s not my place or anyone elses place to judge people for what they do or how they live their lives, barring they commit some crime against humanity or break an established law. I think laws were originally design to keep order and peace among society, not to limit people. People can argue reason for marriage and how sacred it is, but the bottom line is that everyone has their own reason. I’ll get married because I deeply love someone and want to spend the rest of my life with that person, because I can’t imagine doing things without them, because I want them to be a part of everything that I do and everything that I am. Because I want to start a family with that one person and grow old with that person, watching our children grow-up and looking forward to grandchildren. Those are just some of the reason I have for wanting to be married at some point but I’m sure that you (who ever reads this) has other reasons and those are for you to have, not for the government to tell you. Seems like liberal commentary coming from a fairly conservative person, but I guess deep down a try conservative wants as little influence from the government as possible and I don’t think it’s the government’s right to ban ANY kind of marriage between two human beings. It’s GOD’s right to judge, not ours.
P.S. Thanks Gee-off, I’m still dumb but atleast now I can link!
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