General Jackassery

I’ve heard some people say that not all people are meant to be thin. Sometimes I feel like that’s a true statement. I’ve been at or around 270 lbs for nearly a year and on the surface I feel like I can’t do anything to change that. It almost feels like I’m at the weight I’m supposed to be at. At least that’s what I tell myself. There’s a part of me that really wants to lose this weight that I’ve been carrying around for so long. That same part of me is telling the rest of me that it’s a necessity. If I was meant to weigh 270 lbs, why would I have three degenerating discs in my lower back? Why is one of this discs herniated and another on the verge of being herniated? If I was meant to be 270lbs, why would I have knee issues, hip issues, shoulder issues?

True, there are some people out there whose bodies are capable of supporting the extra weight. Does that mean they’re meant to be at that weight?

I submit to you that no one is meant to be over weight. Just because your body can support it doesn’t mean you’re supposed to be that way. I know for a fact that my body can’t support this weight and that’s why I have arthritis at 33 years old. That’s why my back is messed up.

It’s been over two years since I started my journey to lose my unwanted weight. I started at 286 lbs, I got down to 230lbs and I currently weigh about 270lbs. Over two years to net 16 lbs of weight loss. I beat myself up about gaining all the weight back, but the truth is that I’ve lost 16 lbs over the last two years and I’ve maintained that weight loss. That’s a good news story.

Now, I’m going to restart the rest of my journey. One day at a time.

According to Sarah, I got Nanook in June of 2002. He was about 12 weeks old when I got him and his little sister from a foster home in Athens. I didn’t know when I got them that they were infested with intestinal worms, so bad that they were throwing them up. By the time I got them down to my Dad’s farm little Annabelle was too far gone to be saved. She died within 72 hours of me getting her. Nanook on the other hand, soldiered through and after some very precarious nights, he came out of it seemingly unscathed. The experience taught me a lot about my dog. He was tough, tougher than anyone would have ever realized from a 3 lb dog. He didn’t complain, he’d just look up at me with those sad little eyes as if to say, “I’ll be okay boss.”
The first three years of his life seemed like a constant battle. He had the intestinal worms, he had demodectic mange (so bad at times that he scratched his flesh off), he got heart worms, he faced death so many times during his first three years that I wasn’t sure how long he would live. I always knew he wouldn’t live to be 14, but I had hoped for at least 10.
June 25th I took Nanook, Nikita, and Stitch to the vet for their yearly check-up and shots. As part of the insurance plan I had for Nanook, they did x-rays and showed me that they were clear and everything looked normal. But over the past couple of weeks, I started to realize things weren’t normal. If there was one thing Nanook loved, it was food. He loved it so much that he would brave the territorial Siberian Husky and try to get in her food bowl if I didn’t put his food down first. It was almost annoying.
Over the last couple of weeks, that started to change, Nikita was starting to try and eat his food. It turned out that Nikita’s forays into killing the critters in the yard had lead to a case of tape worms and she was ravenous with hunger because the worms were getting her food before she could absorb it. We got that fixed but Nanook’s appetite still didn’t seem right. On top of that, his belly was starting to look more and more like a pot belly pig. The last straw was this Saturday when we took the dogs and the boy for a walk and Nanook just couldn’t keep up. Not only could he not keep up, he looked like he was depressed that he couldn’t keep up.
The vet told Sarah this morning that the tumor was attached to too many organs and had too many blood supplies to feasibly remove. He would have been willing to try, but there was a high probability that Nanook wouldn’t have survived the surgery since they were already having problems keeping him stable even before they started working on him. Because of the struggles of his life and the dim prospects of a successful surgery, we decided to let him go.
I didn’t know how Nanook’s death would impact me until today. As I sit here writing this post, I’m looking at a picture Sarah took of him, you can see the love in his eyes. He loved me like there was no tomorrow. He was the first dog I got by myself and with the exception of Toby, he been with me the longest of any pet I’ve ever owned. I will never forget our road trips to Wisonsin and North Carolina. I’ll never forget making special trips to McDonalds to get Chicken nuggets because he loved them and I loved him. I’ll never forget the walks on the mountain, or the love he had for any person who was willing to pet him. He is truly the best dog I’ve ever known.
Buddy Boy, I hope that doggy heaven has all the chicken nuggets, Pemmican Beef Jerky and snausages a dog could ever hope for. I hope that you find friends and your sister and that you’re happy forever. We love you!

I’ve been researching jogging strollers over the last week or so. Sarah’s mom picked up a jogging stroller for us at a consignment sale several months ago, but I’ve never really liked it. It’s the most stripped down version of a jogging stroller that you can possibly get. It’s not really a lack of features that causes me not to like it, it’s the height of the push bar. The stroller is really made for someone who is 5’5”, not 6’4”. The two other complaints I have are that it doesn’t have any kind of canopy to keep Micah out of the sun and it doesn’t have any place to carry a water bottle for me. So, I ordered a Schwinn Free Runner LT. It cost more than I really wanted to spend, but it’s got all the features that I wanted and none of the crap I didn’t. (Sorry Jeep, I don’t need speakers on my stroller.)
So, the stroller should be here tomorrow, but Micah has been sick all week and I’m not sure I’ll be able to get to run with him until he starts feeling better. We still take him for walks in the Chicco Stroller, but that’s much slower and less wind to make him cold. He’s been a trooper over the last week but I’m ready for him to be back to normal.
On the Job front, things are going fairly well. I’m finally starting to settle in and fit in a little better. I still have a long way to go before I feel really at home, but I have more confidence that I’ll get there.

It’s been over a year since I posted anything on this site and you’re going to have a wait a little while longer. Life has been very hechtic and a lot has happened in the last year. That said, I’m ready to start writing again. I just have too much going on today to start back right now.

Linkin Park’s new album “Minutes to Midnight” really is pretty distinct from what they’ve done in the past. I mean they have the usual catchy tunes they always have, but there are several songs on the album that seem a little out of their usual comfort zone of screaming. “Hands Held High” stands out as one of their best ever, I think.

Hands Held High

turn my
mic up louder I got to say something
lightweights step it aside when we come in
fell it in your chest / the syllables get pumping
people on the street they panic and start running
words on loose leaf sheet complete coming
I jump in my mind and summon the rhyme I’m dumping
Healing the blind I promise to let the sun in
Sick of the dark ways we march to the drum and
Jump when they tell us that they wanna see jumping
Fuck that / I wanna see some fists pumping
Risk something / take back what’s yours
Say something that you know they might attack you for
Cause I’m sick of being treated like I have before
Like it’s stupid standing for what I’m standing for
Like this war’s really just a different brand of war
Like it doesn’t cater to the rich and abandon the poor
Like they understand you in the back of the jet / when you
Can’t put gas in your tank / and these fuckers are
Laughing their way to the bank / cashing the check
Asking you to have compassion / have respect
For a leader so nervous in an obvious way
Stuttering and mumbling for nightly news to replay
And the rest of the world watching at the end of the day
In their living room laughing like
What did he say?

Amen, Amen, Amen,

In my living room watching / I am not laughing / cause
When it gets tense I know what might happen
The world is cold / the bold men make action
Hate to react or get blown to fractions
Ten years old / it’s something to see / another
Kid my age drug under a jeep
Taken and bound / and found under a tree
I wonder if he had thought the next one could be me
Do you see / the soldiers / they’re out today they
Brush the dust from bulletproof vests away
It’s ironic / at times like this you pray
But a bomb blew the mosque up yesterday
There’s bombs on the busses / bikes / roads
Inside your market / your shops / your clothes / my dad
He’s got a lot of fear I know
But enough pride inside not to let that show
My brother had a book he would hold with pride
A little red cover with a broken spine
On the back / he hand wrote a quote inside
“when the rich wage war it’s the poor who die”
And meanwhile / the leader just talks away
Stuttering and mumbling for nightly news to replay
The rest of the world watching at the end of the day
Both scared and angry like
What did he say?

Amen, Amen, Amen,

With hands held high into the sky so blue
As the ocean opens up to swallow you….

You never know what I’m going to get into. I’ve made a lot of excuses lately. I’ve been traveling a lot, I had the shoulder surgeries and I’ve worked some long hours over the last month. While those might seem like good excuses for not exercising, they’re not good excuses for not eating right.

I worked very hard to lose the 40 lbs that I’ve lost and while I feel better than I’ve every felt I haven’t reached my goal. The problem seems to be that I’ve settled into this mode of feeling good and not really having the desire to commit myself to continuing the process of Operation Svelte. In all honesty I have another 35 lbs that I want to lose. I want to know what it’s like to be “thin.” I’m in the best shape of my life, and I’m probably close to the lowest body fat percentage of my life. Unfortunately I’m still considered overweight by medical standards. On the day that Sarah and I got married, I weighed 286 lbs and had a BMI of 34.8 (Obese). Today I weigh 238 and have a BMI of 29 (Overweight) to get “Normal” I must weigh 204 and have a BMI of less than 24.9. Now, I understand that BMI doesn’t take your skeleton into account or muscle mass. But, I’ve got a relatively small frame for my size and my only muscle mass is in my legs. So, I should be able to get down to 204 and that’s where I want to be. I would like to be classified as “Normal” for the first time in my life. It may be the only thing that’s normal about me, but that’s fine.

Where things have gone awry is in the fact that I’ve had a really hard time motivating myself. I really do feel great, my clothes fit so much better, I sleep better, I have more energy, and I’m the poster child for weight loss and its positive effects. That is what makes it so difficult to get past this point. You get caught in the web of comfort that and start to think that this is good enough. It’s not, not yet.

Sarah and I talked about this when we got back from vacation and I told her that this was something that I needed to do. I’ve always been someone who has had great goals and ambitions, but I’m not really a finisher. I tend to get off on great starts and then somewhere along the way I lose interest and never finish. I haven’t had a lot of personal successes lately and I feel like I need them more now than ever. I need to know that I can set goals and accomplish them.

A while back I created Todder’s List of Unfinished Projects, I put that list on my refrigerator and after two years I have still not completed all of the tasks. Some where too expensive, but others were left due to laziness and lack of desire. Today I’m laying out a new list of Unfinished Projects and I want you to help me stay motivated to finish them.

1) Finish Losing the Weight. I will set small incremental goals along the way to help myself stay on track. My first goal is to get back down to 235. My second goal will be to get down to 230. You get the picture, but the ultimate goal is to get down to 204.
2) Raise and additional $3000 for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. I’ve already raised $1000 in about 6 weeks. I have until October 28th to finish raising the rest of the money. Again, I’m setting incremental goals of $500 at a time. When I get to $1500 I’ll look for $2000. The minimum amount I have to raise is $3300, but I want more. I definitely need your help with the fundraising. I’m asking you to ask your friends and family members to donate to the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society on my behalf.
3) Complete the Marine Corps Marathon on October 28th. Complete means not only finish, but finish well and be able to walk afterwards. I will accomplish this by getting back on track with my training runs. I ran 3.6 miles on the road on Wednesday at an 8:58 min/mile pace and I did a 3.5 mile trail run yesterday at 11:00 min/mile pace. I’m working hard on keeping my Plantar Fasciitis under control by stretching and specific exercises to loosen up and strengthen my foot. This Saturday I’ll do a 10 mile run and next week I’ll get back to my three mid-week runs.
4) As part of my overall fitness regimen I’ve been back to riding my bike. This allows me to work the cardiovascular system without beating my joints to a pulp. However, there is a new goal attached to cycling. On August 25th, I’m hoping to take part in a Team-Relay Ultra-cycling event. Three other riders and I will ride from the Southern Terminus of the Blue-Ridge Parkway to the Northern Terminus in less than 28 hours straight. We will probably take turns of 30 minutes or less on the bike and rotate on and off the bike for the better part of 28 hours. The total length of the ride will be 458 miles.
5) As a continuation of my cycling efforts, I would like to ride the Six-Gap Century in September.

Okay, those are my current goals. I’ll keep you posted on how everything is going. I know it sounds like a lot of stuff, but the fitness stuff is all pretty intertwined.

I’ve got too many irons in the fire right now. Between work and home life it seems like I don’t have enough time. Sometimes I feel like I’m back in college when I was up late and up early, but I don’t think I ever worked this hard when I was in college.

I promised to keep you guys up to date on my progress for Team-in-training and I’m glad to report that I’m right on schedule as far the fundraising goes. I have raised $975 so far with pledges for another $210 atleast. Unfortunately I think I’ve pretty much tapped into all the people I know. Now I have to start getting out of my comfort zone and actually smoozing a little to get the rest of the money I need.

As far as training for the Marathon goes, I’ve had some problems with Plantar Fasciitis. While my foot doesn’t hurt when I’m running it can be pretty painful in the morning when I wake up. So I’ve tried to limit my mileage to allow my foot to heal without totally losing my fitness base. I’ve also started back on the bike to keep my heart and lungs going strong. The past Saturday, I rode from the Von Braun Center to the top of Monte Sano Mountain and back (12 miles) before going for an 8.5 mile jog. I think I’ll take this week off again and start back trying to get into the regular running routine next week. Here’s hoping that my foot starts feeling better. I’m also planning on starting back with Pilates the week of the 4th of July. I truly beleive that part of my problem has been that I stopped that following the first shoulder surgery and my muscles have tightened up.

Anyway, I think that’s it for now. Please keep me in mind if you’ve got some spare change laying around that you’re willing to donate to the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. I need all the help I can get to raise $4000 more.

Thanks for checking in.

A week ago Sunday I was playing my second league hockey game and about half-way through the 1st period I managed to pop my arm out of the socket. Now, this is something that has happened on a semi-regular basis since sometime in 2001 when I dislocated it the first time. Anyway, it’s happened so many times that it doesn’t hurt as bad anymore and usually it just pops right back in. However, when it happened on Sunday, it stayed out of the socket for 15 to 20 seconds and it happened when I was reaching for the puck. I wasn’t hit, I didn’t fall down, I was just reaching for the puck. That’s the 2nd time in two weeks that’s happened and the 3rd time in 3 months. Then when I was at home later that night I was reaching down to pick up something off the floor and it nearly dislocated again.

Having had enough of my should popping out, I decided to make an appointment with the doctor to see what he had to say. My hope was that I could just go to Physical Therapy and strengthen the muscles. The doctor decided to refer me to physical therapy, but he also refered me back to the doctor that did my knee surgery in 2003.

Yesterday morning I went to the Orthopaedic Surgeon to see what they had to say. Dr. Alexander looked at the X-rays and then played around with my shoulder and said, “You’re gonna have to get this fixed.” He then refered me to another doctor at SportsMed who specializes in Shoulder Arthroscopy and Dr. Layton agreed that after looking at the x-ray and manipulating my shoulder that there is ligament/tendon damage in my shoulder that can only be fixed surgically. The only question is whether or not the surgery can be done Arthroscopically.

Thursday morning I go back to the doctor’s office to get an MRI. The MRI will not tell whether or not I need surgery but what type of surgery will have to be done.

Based on the x-rays, there was a visible defect in the ball on top of the humurous bone. The defect is caused by the humurous slipping out of the socket and colliding with some of the other shoulder structure. (This is how they explained it to me.) The MRI will determine the size of the defect. If the defect is very large then the surgery will have to be done by opening up my shoulder. If the defect is small they can fix it with the scope.

At the moment the doctors feel like the surgery can be done with the scope, so that will have me having a 3 inch scar on the front of my shoulder. I should know for sure on Friday.

Anyway, the surgery is already scheduled and one way or the other I will be having surgery on my shoulder on Wednesday the 7th of February. I wanted to give myself the month of January to continue training and hopefully be able to run the Half-Marathon with Brian at the end of January.

If all goes well, I will have my shoulder immobilized for 10 to 14 days, should be back to jogging in 4 to 6 weeks or less and should be fully recovered in 4 to 6 months. We’ll see how it all goes.

Apparently I’m addicted to golf lately. Maybe it has something to do with Tiger Woods being at the top of his game and making it fun to watch.

Anyway, it’s been a while since I’ve written anything and though I’ve had a real desire to post for some time now I have no idea what to write about.

So I think I’ll just leave this short and sweet for now, maybe I’ll have something to write in another day or so.

Goodbye for now, world.

I’ve written a lot about cycling because it’s something I do and it’s something that I’m passionate about. I’ve also written a lot about MonteSano and Bankhead Pkwy in particular. In 2003 when things weren’t going so well in my life and I wasn’t really happy, Bankhead was the place I would go ride to clear my head. I’ve also written a lot about pain having that effect. During that summer and park of the winter I lost a ton of weight, I was down to 255 lbs and I was getting pretty fast on my bike, but Bankhead still exacted a heavy toll on my body. I think no matter how strong you are there’s just something about pulling that kind of weight up nearly 900 vertical feet in 4 miles.

I remember a long time ago back in 2000 when I was trying to train for Bike South 2000 I would get Joan to meet me at the top of the Mountain, she was always proud that I could ride to the top, but during that time I was never actually able to ride the entire climb without putting my foot down.

In 2003 when I got down to 255 I was actually able to climb the entire lenght of bankhead without stopping.

After things settled down in 2003 and life got back to normal I started gaining weight again and I got back out of shape. At the time of Sarah and my wedding last year I was back up to 286 just 10 lbs shy of my all time high. It would be 2005 before I was able to come close to climbing Bankhead again, but I couldn’t do it. I would ride most of it but I would turn around shy of the top telling myself that I would not allow myself the fun of the descent if I had to put my foot down and catch my breath.

I work my ass off over the winter, literally and figuratively and by Christmas I was back down to 266. I struggled to maintain that weight as I changed my body. I climbed Bankhead again for the first time early this spring and it felt pretty good but it was a matter of finally being back to the form that I had in 2003.

Today, I broke a barrier that I never thought would be possible. I climbed Bankhead, I staid in control and probably climbed it as fast as I’ve ever climbed it. I road down to the bottom and then here’s where the barrier broke, I turned around and did it again. In 2000 I couldn’t climb Bankhead without stopping, today I did it twice!