Wonder
“In the lonely light of morning, in the wound that would not heal is the bitter taste of losing everything I held so dear.” “Sleep has left me alone to carry the weight of unraveling where we went wrong.” “Cast me gently into morning for the night has been unkind.” These are lyrics that have resonated with me since I bought the CD. This has been a year of wonder for sure. I wonder if I’d known what I know now if I would have gone through what I went through? I wonder did this all have to happen to force me to make the changes that I’ve made? I lost a lot of sleep these last 5 months or so. Jackie and I were talking the other day and he said that he thought he could loose 30lbs in three months. I told him that I thought that was a little ambitious because it’s really hard to lose 10 lbs a month. He said, “you did it.” I told him, “Jackie, it’s not safe to do what I did. I was literally trying to kill myself. I wasn’t eating, I wasn’t sleeping, and I was killing myself on the bike. It’s not normal for a person to drop as much weight as I did as quickly as I did it.” It takes the fuel of rage, sadness, the thought that you are going to loose everything you ever wanted, the only thing you wanted. It takes the feeling of total helplessness (is that a word?) I was as low as I’ve ever been, I’ve never REALLY thought about killing myself directly, but there were times that I almost wished I would get hit by a car when I was on my bike or have some sort of accident that would just end it all. It seemed at the time that was the easiest solution for everything. If I was out of the picture it would make decisions easier for some people and it would just make others happier because they wouldn’t have the competition anymore. Who would miss me? THAT is how low I was! I could NEVER take my own life, but I could wish that something would happen that would. Looking back I realize how selfish that pattern of thought really is. When it was going through my head I thought that it would be best for everyone else, I thought that it would make her life easier and I’ll I’ve really ever wanted was for her to be happy. But I realize that I was only thinking about me. The EASY way is to end it. The hard way is to fight for everything that you want, to persevere through the hard times in your life and to never give up hope. If things are meant to be then they will happen, if they’re not meant to be then something else will come along. I’m not an overly religious person, but I do truly believe that there is a God and that there is a plan. It’s funny because I went to Church on Sunday with Mo and the pastor said something that struck a chord with me. He said that David was anointed King when he was a teenager, but he was never crowned as the actual King until he was about 30. He said, “I am always in a hurry, but God is not.” “Have you ever thought about the enormous amount of free time that God has?” I’m always in a hurry to get what I want, to get what I think I need, but God has a plan and he’ll execute that plan in his own time. Sometimes it’s really difficult to let things go. I tried and tried to make things happen, but they happened in their own time. Would they have actually happened had I not pushed as hard? Maybe. Maybe not. I’ll never know because I can’t go back and test the theory. The point is that I don’t feel anymore secure in where I stand today than I did 3 months ago, but I’ll never allow myself to go as low as I went again. I’ll never stop working for what I want and once I get what I want I’ll never stop working to keep it, to keep improving it. I was asked the other day what my New Years resolutions were and I honestly hadn’t made any until that moment. Now I’ve made a resolution. My resolution is to love a little more everyday for the rest of my life. No matter what happens to wish for one’s life to end is not the answer because life is filled with mountains and valleys today I might be in the valley, but tomorrow I might be at the summit of Everest admiring the beauty that is this life and the gifts that we’re given everyday just because we get to live and see the sun rise one more time.