General Jackassery

I actually started writing this the other day when I was feeling a little be introspective I couldn’t really find the words to say what I wanted to say. Perhaps today I’ll find those words and perhaps I won’t but I’m going to write anyway. I was thinking about what Christmas meant to me when I was a kid. I’ve always loved the holiday but the reason for it’s importance seems to change from year to year. When I was a kid the most important thing about Christmas was, “Is Santa Claus going to bring me that remote control car or that transformer toy that I want?” As I got a little bit older and my perspective on Santa Claus changed I began to realize that the holiday was more about spend time with my family and really enjoying their presensce and not their presents. I guess I haven’t really settled on my position in life and where my life is going to go from here. There are things that I want and they aren’t physical objects. I really love the fact that my Mom and my sister and brother-in-law are so close that I can go visit them every weekend if that was my desire, but their proximity has reinforced the fact that I’ve really grown up and I would like to have a family of my own someday. I love my niece and nephew so much I can’t even explain it and I’m finally to the point where I look at them and I don’t tell myself that I’m glad I’m not a father. I guess you could say that my biological clock is ticking. The truth of the matter is that I may never had children of my own, you just never know where life is going to take you but thoughts of having my own family and my own kids have been prevelant this Christmas. Christmas just isn’t as fun without little kids around. The glow in their eyes when they get something they like or have always wanted is just priceless. There’s nothing to replace that excitement. So while this has been one of the most meaningful Christmases I’ve ever had it’s more like the Christmas that wasn’t. In my heart I just haven’t been able to get into it. Something did happen on Christmas day though. Something that hasn’t happened in years! I was tracked down by Insanity Claus! It was really a scary experience, but I don’t think INsaNitY Claus will ever know how much their visit meant to me!

Anyway, I know this post will make it sound like I’m depressed. I’m not depressed, I’m very happy actually, I just don’t really feel like it is or was Christmas. It’s a wierd feeling actually. But I guess this has been an interesting Christmas for everyone.