Introspective Todder
Geof said he wasn’t going to do this because it is clich鮠I agree that it is clich頢ut since my site hasn’t be up and running all year I think I’m going to go ahead and do my year in review. Especially since this has been one of the most interesting, exciting, painful, happy, sad years of my life.
I almost started to write a step-by-step account of what happened this year but I realized that I could write a book about everything that’s gone on this year if I got down to that much detail. So, here’s another attempt to do a year in review that will hopefully be more interesting and far shorter. I said that this has been one of the most interesting, exciting, painful, happy, sad years of my life. So, why?
It’s been an interesting year because I lived for another year and living all by itself is interesting. I’ve traveled more this year than I’ve ever traveled in my life. In fact I have over 40,000 air miles for the year and that doesn’t include the time I drove to Pueblo, CO with Rodney or the 5 or so times that I drove up to Richmond, KY. I got to go to two different Islands in Hawaii and spend a total of about 3 weeks out there this summer. I bought a house. On May 13th (well really back in February) I made a colossal mistake, and in August while standing on a beach in Hawaii I finally realized that I’d made that mistake. I fell in love again!
It’s been an exciting year because I’ve been to places that I never really thought I was going to get to go. Again I spent nearly 3 weeks in Hawaii. I got to see where I was born for the first time since we left Hawaii when I was 3. I drove by one of the condos that we lived in when we were there. I got to see the Pearl Harbor/U.S.S. Arizona memorial. Did I mention that I bought my own house?
It’s been a painful year for a lot of reasons. I had nose surgery back at the end of July. I was just starting to get some strength back in my knee in January after having the knee surgery in October of last year. I lost a puppy that died on me after complications from being spayed and possibly because I made a mistake with her when I thought she was okay to go back in the yard with the big dogs. I had a lot of trouble deciding who I was this year; I researched the possibility of changing careers and going back to school. Little did I know that there was really a lot missing in my life that I was going to have to find. Again I made a mistake in May and it took me until August to realize that mistake. When I finally realized that I was on the wrong path I didn’t know how far down a different path I had sent my mistake. I spent the last part of the year trying to catch-up with my mistake, to track it down and to repair the damage I’d done.
For the most part I’ve been very happy this year. It’s been a successful year in a lot of ways and I’ve done a lot of things in my life that I’m proud of. I’m happy that I’ve made the changes that I’ve made and I think I’ve become a lot more thoughtful and caring of my friends and family. I finally realized what they mean to me and I realized that I’m not enough of a man to go through life alone. I need them all with me and they’ve done a good job of propping me up when I needed to be propped up. I’ve learned how to reach out to friends for a helping hand when I really need it instead of dragging them down with me when my pride won’t allow me to ask for help. I guess when you hit rock bottom in your life you have choice but to swallow your pride and seek help or drown.
It’s been a sad year because I’ve had a hard time forgiving myself for a lot of things. I’ve never really forgiven myself for what happened to Dakota (the puppy that died) She was barely a year old when she died and I probably could have prevented her death had I taken her to the lake with me and Nanook or just stayed home that weekend instead of going off and playing. I’ve never really forgiven myself for ending my relationship with Sarah. I knew that the reasons for breaking up were sound because we had problems, but I should have worked harder to resolve the issues instead of just throwing her away and causing her the pain that I caused her. When I finally realized that I loved her I didn’t know how bad it would hurt when I came to the realization that she was basically over me and I had no idea how close she’d gotten to someone else.
This year I learned to take life in stride. I still dwell on the past and I still worry about the future, but I realize now more than ever that I can’t control the outcome of my life. I can do things to guide and steer my life but I can’t keep a storm from blowing me off course anymore than I can control the lottery. With all that’s gone on in my life over the last year I feel comfortable saying that this has been one of the best if not the best year of my life. It’s probably been the hardest year of my life but I don’t think I’ve ever learned more about myself, changed more about myself or been happier about myself in my life. So, I’d say no matter the outcome of 2004 I can say that 2003 was a success.